Author: U.N. Owen
Today, the ASD, Department of Homeland Community Schools issued a warning, lowering the intelligence level from stupid to idiotic, two levels above the nadir of insane.
The reason for the lowering of the intelligence level is weapons of mass destruction have been found at a science teachers home, an unnamed source said the cache consisted of, a pen, writing paper, a voice box, independent thought and most damaging of all, a brain.
As a reminder, the ASD Department of Homeland Community Schools warning system is as follows:
1. Silly
2. Stupid
3. Idiotic
4. Imbecile
5. Insane
Members of the ASD were informed of the threat and appropriate actions taken,
D. Royce Smeltzer was interrupted reading “ My pet goat” seemed utterly confused.
Tokyo Rose Stitt was seen crying in front of Kittanning Township School, explaining “we had to close the school in order to keep it open.
Kim Jong Solak, born on a mountain top underneath double rainbows, immediately issued a statement stating “this conspiracy has been in the works since William Kerr was an oocyte”.
Ms. Sara Yessum issued a statement saying “ this is like, you know a tragedy”
Mr. John Monroe was ushered into the underground command center at an undisclosed location somewhere near Yellow Dog.
Mr. Jim Rearic stated, what a bunch of assholes
Mr. Joe Close was tooting a train whistle indicating that any vestige of sensibility has left the station.
Mr. Chris Choncek uttered a call for reason, and some investigation into whether actually possessing independent thought and a brain were reasons to lower the intelligence level.
Mr. Dave Brown, spokesman for a “truther movement” called H.E.R.O. declared that over 200 years ago, Washington D.C. applied for and built The White House, this is unfair, where is our White House? We pay taxes, it’s no fair that everything occurs near the Potomac River, I’ll bet they have a new YMCA as well. I heard them say “pull it” that means we can spend all the money we want and we want a White House. Look the Pentagon was rebuilt and we didn’t get anything, we deserve something.
Upon further reflection, it was determined that a phallic symbol would be more appropriate for the H.E.R.O. “truther movement”, all agreed that the phallus is more indicative of the movement.
Kim Jong Solak: well furthermore, on an official document which I just made up, and furthermore to my furthermore, I have read this in great detail and it has been furthermore determined that the threat, while not real, is meaningless and needs to be prosecuted.
